Betrayal.

Betrayal, according to the Oxford Dictionary has many meanings. But I am going to focus on one. ‘Be gravely disloyal to’. Really fancy English for a word which is basically breaking a person’s trust. This isn’t a word I would throw around just like that. It has many, many consequences. I don’t think that no one in the world hasn’t faced some trust issues. It could be on anything. But betrayal is the utmost problematic one.

Everyone has, or will face betrayal in their lives. Its inevitable. I have. My friends have. But everyone thinks betrayal on the basis of two people. I am not talking about that. I am talking about betraying yourself. What could be the worst thing you do to yourself ? Mess up your future ? Mess up your family relationships ? Those are valid reasons but the worst is when you lie to yourself. You do something or something happens and you force yourself to believe whatever is the first thing that comes in your head to relieve yourself of the pressure. The consequences.

I did that exact thing to myself. I hated it but I didn’t want to believe it. Most of the people who read this probably know the story. But either way, back in 10th grade, I broke the trust of the person who I cared about the most. Someone accused me of calling my friend a slut. It wasn’t something about not doing something but I insulted her in such a way that I never thought I would. Sure, everyone insult each other all the time but that is as a joke. This was not. The thing about it is that I do not remember doing that. At all. It sounds like an excuse but I don’t. Judge me all you want. But I will accept my mistake even if I say that I didn’t do it.

Whether it happened or not, I broke her heart. She was telling me something very important and I did that ? I cannot imagine how she felt. No, I was not dating her for all you smart-asses out there. Cause of what I did, our friendship was completely destroyed. My entire friend’s group was torn apart. Some believed the person who accused me. Some people believed me. It didn’t matter. My friend, the one I trusted the most gave in to the person who accused me and shut me out. Everyone did. Except one guy. This man stayed with me all the way because he knew that I would never do such a thing. But even then, I still have that doubt. Did I really call her that ? Did I really break her heart and crushed her feelings ? As I write this, I cry. I cry for myself because I made myself believe that I didn’t do it. But I don’t know ! I don’t….

I spent an entire year away from my old friends. The same friends who I trusted the most. I stayed away from her. By all means possible. But, it hurt the most during Valedictory. I saw them. Together. All happy and excited for pictures and the memories they have of each other. I couldn’t join them. I hide my feelings well but that day, that day was the toughest days of all. So, I began to get rid of all the memories I had to them. The letters. The gifts. Everything. I was in such pain. I care about all my friends. So much. But I couldn’t live with the guilt of whether I did or not.

So, I took a leap of faith. I texted her on Instagram. I didn’t know if she would reply, or seen-zone me or anything. So, imagine my surprise when she answered back. I was so happy. I took the chance to apologize for everything I had ever done. Again. Now, I talk to her and am trying to fix our relationship. But the trust we had ? That will take a long time to repair and I will try to fix that with every ounce of my being.

Basically, what I am trying to say is that do not try to lie to yourself about anything and try to repair all the mistakes you have done. However big or small. Just try. Figure out some way and go for it. I want to say to that girl. I am so glad that we are back to being friends. I know that I hurt you and I am extremely sorry. No matter what I say, I just want you to know that I will never do anything like that ever again. Not to you or anyone else.

Thanks for reading.